[Hedwig]

Originally Posted by Depressed

Thank you both. You have given me again more useful info to use. I did not think of a P.O. Box before but will use that idea. Any account or bill(cell phone) I have went paperless some time a go when things started to get bad. I have changed passwords several times to keep husbands eyes & hands off. Hard copy items I need to save but I need to protect, I take to work and keep in my locker.

I will also make appointment w/ our employee assistance program at work. They may also have some ideas for me. I did make my bosses aware of some of what has been going on. Yup, it was difficult to be open to them about something so personal, but they have tried to also provide help (allowing me to leave early) when they can.

Including the people who have given me useful advice in this forum, I have quite a number of people to be thankful I have in my life. So again, thank you.

Yes, if your company has an EAP, that's a great place to go. I know from experience that talking to your superiors can be hard, but in most cases it does help as they understand why you are doing some things. Outsiders often give some different perspectives since they are not close to the situation. You have already seen some of this on this board.

[Qtip]

Originally Posted by Depressed

Thank you both. You have given me again more useful info to use. I did not think of a P.O. Box before but will use that idea. Any account or bill(cell phone) I have went paperless some time a go when things started to get bad. I have changed passwords several times to keep husbands eyes & hands off. Hard copy items I need to save but I need to protect, I take to work and keep in my locker.

I will also make appointment w/ our employee assistance program at work. They may also have some ideas for me. I did make my bosses aware of some of what has been going on. Yup, it was difficult to be open to them about something so personal, but they have tried to also provide help (allowing me to leave early) when they can.

Including the people who have given me useful advice in this forum, I have quite a number of people to be thankful I have in my life. So again, thank you.

No need to thank us, glad to be able to provide some kind of help!

[Depressed]

I have sent out the dispute letter to Equifax, and appointment made w/ Employee Assistance Program. Still working on finding a co-signer for loan, or getting a loan on my own that can afford. Small steps to be sure, but steps in the right direction.

[Hedwig]

You EAP may even be able to help you get a loan. Although they don't loan money, they may know of some places--especially if your employer's credit union helps those in your situation.

That's another resource that a women's shelter may have. Sometimes there are places that work with women who have left their homes and help them get a new start.

Don't look at it as taking resources from someone else--look at it as getting yourself up so you can help others.

[Depressed]

Hedwig,
I will start w/EAP & see what I can handle there. As far as hubby will know it will be my attending an inservice for work or a union meeting. Tomorrow I will set up the POBox & give spare key to my dad (POBox will be near my dad so just in case he can p/u my mail). After the POBox is set up it will be back to getting loan for auto. All personal calls go to my cell(auto locks & hubby can't access my account) so I am safe there.
And with hunting season starting I will have a bit more time to handle looking for apartment that hubby will not miss me. SOOO glad I got him into archery hunting & black powder!!!!! LOL!!!

[Hedwig]

Sounds like you have the next few steps covered. Just take it one step at a time. At first, it will seem like you haven't taken many steps and have a lot to go. But then one day you'll look back and see all those steps behind you, and it will feel good.

[Depressed]

As I take each step my sense of panic gets easier to manage. Going back to work also helped. My patients missed me, but knew something was wrong as I have not been the fun perky nurse they are use to. The guidence all of you have given me has given me hope. That sence of hope was very noticed by my patients today. Best of all I had something other than my problems at home to think about today. BTW I did check back at this fourm on my lunch break a read your words of encouragemet. They helped to keep me smiling when things got crazy at work.
I also am now aware of just how many of my female co-workers are in or could be in the same boat as me if things go wrong. From bad credit to no credit at all of their own. Many of them making lot more money than me, but their credit history, everthing in their husbands name. One said to me 'Wow, maybe I need to make some changes. I don't even know where my husband keeps all that information.'
You guys got me thinking, now I got some of them thinking.

[Hedwig]

That's what I meant when I said maybe you aren't taking resources from others. You take what you need, but you leave what you have.

If you end up at a shelter, consider this: maybe you could arrange that after you leave (or even while you're there), you will help others get credit established and learn to manage their finances. Even if you point them here and give them words of encouragement, that's a lot more than they had before.

And, you should tell the other women at work that it's good for them to have their own credit. If they are in a good marriage, one way to do it is to have them tell their husband that they'd like to apply for an account in their name so they have something if anything were to happen to him.

For the same reason, they should know where the money and investments are, and there should be a safe or fireproof cabinet where all the important papers are kept. Both parties should know what's there and who to notify in case of emergency.

In fact, if you have life insurance or 401(k)s at work, the beneficiary needs to know who to contact in case of death. This is something everyone should do.

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe the reason will become clear and maybe not, but you'll do something somewhere that will be the reason for going through this.

Just check in here when you need a little encouragement. We'll be glad to help.

[Depressed]

Hedwig,
I will be sending the link to this site to all on my contact list when I get the time on my computer. Some of my friends need it, and others should have it just in case. BTW in case you are wondering, my time with all of you has been done on my phone. What a wonderful time we live in. LOL.

[Hedwig]

I'm glad you're feeling better, and also that you are trying to help others. That will go a long way toward making you feel even better.

Keep up the good work!!

[Depressed]

I got great news today!!! I finally got a hold of my dad, and he agreed to co-sign for my loan at my bank. We will meet up at my bank after I finish my shift. Wooo Hooo!!!!!! I am also going to keep my appointment with WAP on Fri. and I am still going to apply for the secured credit card. Soon I will have to change my login name, cause I will not be depressed any more.

[jlynn]

Who's name is the car titled in? Is hubby going to sign off and "sell" it to you? Are you in a community property state? Paying off the original loan with a new loan if that car is not titled in your name, and your name only is dangerous, given the volatile situation you are talking about.

If you are in a community property state, it doesn't even matter if its titled in your name only. You could conceivablely have to re-buy his half in any divorce proceeding.

[Hedwig]

jlynn has a good point. It may be better to get rid of the car and use the loan to buy another one in your father's name. After the divorce is final, dad could sign it over to you.

It would be bad if you refinanced it and then had to either pay your ex half, or have him decide he wants the car and he has to pay your (where will he get the money).

[Depressed]

I am going to get my own auto and everything, with every thing this man has done to me and the threats to take away the auto I drive? Nope, my momma raised me crazy, NOT stupid!! Hubby can have his auto back, then he can default on it if he wants and has threated to do, or he can make the payments himself and keep it. When I say everything here is in his name, I mean EVERYTHING. My name is not added or attached in any way because thats the way he wanted it. Thats how he took and kept control. In any case I will not be blackmailed any more.

I am thinking of holding my loan until move, then I can give him his house keys as well as the auto keys.

And just because I am a woman of honor I will keep the loan payment current so he will not have a late pay on his report. The rest will be up to him.

[hannah]

You obviously didn't understand. If you are still married and in a community property state, no matter whose name the car, house, or any other financial items are in, you are both liable if either one of you defaults. If you are in a community property state, all property is considered to be owned by both of you and as such both of you are liable in case of default. Do you understand? What state are you in?

[Depressed]

Yikes! NYS