[ilovemydogs]

My dear friends husband died recently. She has no blood relatives.Her in-laws took care of the wake/reception and (there are a lot of them on his side ).
She told me that she received checks and cash and was making out her thank you cards to send off.(This was in the thousands)
Now this boggled me, as in the obit it said in lieu of flowers donations could be sent to XXXXX.
I told my friend that I had never heard of giving money to the family of a deceased, and she said "Oh yes, people do it all the time"
Like I said this floored me and my husband as we have buried both sets of parents and aunts and a sibling and we never had anyone so much as give us money,and quite frankly would have been taken aback by it.

I will say that I know that in certain situations when a young person dies I have seen people set up an account in the childs name and or to help the young family that has not much.
THIS is not the case with my friend.

She lives in a waterfront home worth a few million,has a rental property and has a portfolio.

Has this happened to anyone here? Is this a new thing?
A nationality thing? What?
Am I so OLD that I do not know the new customs?

ILMD

[centex]

I've seen a lot of situations where the request was made to send donations to a designated charity in lieu of flowers, but I have also seen a few occasions where the request was made simply for donations. When I have seen the latter, it has often been in the G/L community since the law generally allows a family to disregard the partner...

[ilovemydogs]

Originally Posted by centex

I've seen a lot of situations where the request was made to send donations to a designated charity in lieu of flowers, but I have also seen a few occasions where the request was made simply for donations. When I have seen the latter, it has often been in the G/L community since the law generally allows a family to disregard the partner...

I think that sucks . (The life long partner getting no solace)
This was not the case here. Thanks though for the info.
ILMD

[roybean]

Yes, I've seen this happen. When someone dies people just start doing things for the family. I've seen people actually come to the deceased's home and set up shop. They start cooking, cleaning, washing; others will come by and simply be the designated driver for anyone and everyone. I've seen people come by and just stay to see what needs to be done and try to help get it done. People drop off envelopes with money or gift certificates...the idea is that the family is not suppose to worry or be bothered with anything except their loved one who has passed away.

It's a stressful time and people will do stressed out things in situations like that so it's like everyone wants to keep you calm and cared for. I had a neighbor several yrs. ago whose husband passed away, then her son died, and I met her right the son passed away and I'm not kidding, then her daughter died in a car accident. I think she was in shock because it all happened back to back within months. I cooked for two days for her. I Her husband had a furniture store, but he had been sick a long time(lots of medical bills), so she used the store and some insurance to pay for him; then the son died and it just about exhausted everything she had and when the daughter passed it was rough.

[ilovemydogs]

Originally Posted by roybean

Yes, I've seen this happen. When someone dies people just start doing things for the family. I've seen people actually come to the deceased's home and set up shop. They start cooking, cleaning, washing; others will come by and simply be the designated driver for anyone and everyone. I've seen people come by and just stay to see what needs to be done and try to help get it done.

This is my experience in the help we give. I made up my friends bedrooms, cleaned house,took care of her and her dog,made food for the people that came by and stayed with her from the night her husband died until two days after the wake. Even picked p the ashes .Just no money giving, although I bought the booze and all the food.

You also need to be there for the person a month and months later as this is when it really hits home. .

People drop off envelopes with money or gift certificates...the idea is that the family is not suppose to worry or be bothered with anything except their loved one who has passed away.

It's a stressful time and people will do stressed out things in situations like that so it's like everyone wants to keep you calm and cared for. I had a neighbor several yrs. ago whose husband passed away, then her son died, and I met her right the son passed away and I'm not kidding, then her daughter died in a car accident. I think she was in shock because it all happened back to back within months. I cooked for two days for her. I Her husband had a furniture store, but he had been sick a long time(lots of medical bills), so she used the store and some insurance to pay for him; then the son died and it just about exhausted everything she had and when the daughter passed it was rough.

Such tragedy. Your kindness I am sure meant so much.While I am all for giving and even a gift certificate is fine, I still don't get the money thing though,but I am understanding it more.
Everyone is different,but I feel being there for the person and just sitting with her while she is crying or is silent is better than giving fast money. I am fortunate that when my brother died people were there for me,but no money or gift certificates were left, just lots of plants and flowers and food. : )

ILMD

[roybean]

I think people who give money either don't have a lot of time, don't deal with death well, or it's just how they show their concern. It just depends. With the person that I mentioned above, it's sad, but since all of these deaths happened back to back a lot people helped a lot with the first one and then less people with the second one, and by the time the third one happened, even less people helped. It was really hard and this really did happen all within a few months of each. The son and daughter were maybe two or three months apart. I couldn't believe it and after it was over she did tell me how much I helped because I sent her groceries, liquor, household stuff, and I cooked, but I was trying to help because that was a lot to deal with. At least that's what I thought.

When a relative of mine died, I can remember our family beautician came over and did all of the kids hair, cut all of the men's hair; she would work during the day and then come to the house when she got off and that's all she did was hair for about a week.

People help the best way they can or the only way they can. Know what I mean?

[ilovemydogs]

Originally Posted by roybean

I think people who give money either don't have a lot of time, don't deal with death well, or it's just how they show their concern. It just depends. With the person that I mentioned above, it's sad, but since all of these deaths happened back to back a lot people helped a lot with the first one and then less people with the second one, and by the time the third one happened, even less people helped. It was really hard and this really did happen all within a few months of each. The son and daughter were maybe two or three months apart. I couldn't believe it and after it was over she did tell me how much I helped because I sent her groceries, liquor, household stuff, and I cooked, but I was trying to help because that was a lot to deal with. At least that's what I thought.

When a relative of mine died, I can remember our family beautician came over and did all of the kids hair, cut all of the men's hair; she would work during the day and then come to the house when she got off and that's all she did was hair for about a week.

People help the best way they can or the only way they can. Know what I mean?

Yes I do and in the end kindness (whichever way you want to give is right for you)is what matters.


ILMD